20 Tips for a Great Life

> 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
> Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
> presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
> 
> 2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by
> getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> 
> 3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
> the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
> FUCKING thing in the first place.
> 
> 4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack
> up a fat friend's ass, filter first, then replacing it in the
> box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put
> you off smoking any of them.
> 
> 5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry
> a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the
> broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor
> accident.
> 
> 6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
> nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
> 
> 7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all
> their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
> 
> 8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get
> pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke
> who looks at you over the fence.
> 
> 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
> one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put
> it on.
> 
> 10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any
> cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
> 
> 11. Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by
> simply changing your name to match your existing number plate:
> Mr KVL 741Y.
> 
> 12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
> closer to the object you wish to view.
> 
> 13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
> arriving fully refreshed and on time.
> 
> 14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
> makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
> amusing manner.
> 
> 15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful
> of lard.
> 
> 16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
> arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a
> flight to your intended destination in the first place
> 
> 17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of
> air over any that you catch in the act.
> 
> 18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
> an inexpensive vibrator.
> 
> 19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
> anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
> 
> 20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
> by simply pissing in the sink.
>