-----ABANDON MIRTH ALL YE WHO VENTURE BELOW THIS LINE-----

...So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I
said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a fast one".

...So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

...So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

...But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
fire at the factory that makes them.

...So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

...So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
I said "Did you get my drift?".

...So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

...So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

...But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite.........one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

...So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic
converter.

...So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

...So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You
remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example
Goran, even he's a witch.

...And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

...So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

...And an aeroplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.