It's time for some Emo Phillips quotes:

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
boxing."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost
him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to
my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's
never any gum under any of them."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to
forgive me."

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't
have an alibi."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The
guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove
you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought
before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk
driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the
Senate?"

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna
keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and
fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a
lesson."

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only
using blanks."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a
loved one because they're the devil."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that
first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."