Well known categories of "Useless Drivers" Volvo Drivers It is an official fact that all Volvo drivers are unsafe, incompetent motorists. 96.4% of all Volvo owners bought a Volvo after a fatal or serious road accident for which full blame was accredited to themselves. They truly believe these ugly cumbersome Swedish mobile wardrobes are indestructible and will offer them a safe barrier from danger on the road. They are blissfully unaware that the biggest danger on the road is infact themselves. Often seen in the middle of roundabouts turning left or pulling out of side roads at 4 mph - the only redeeming feature of a Volvo driver is that his car is often very large and ugly and should be well visible to us more considerate drivers - allowing us a little more time to take avoiding action. HGV Drivers Lorry drivers perfect the art of driving right up your arse by looking the wrong way through a pair of binoculars whilst driving. It's not surprising to know that most accidents on motorways are caused by these steering wheel attendants'. Often found chatting to their colleagues on their CB radio, these motorists can usually be found driving with little or no consideration for other road users. Is it any wonder they have signs saying "How am I driving?" on the back of their trailers - even they don't know how they manage it - clearly! The most dangerous HGV drivers are foreign lorry drivers. Take emergency avoiding action away from any foreign-registered HGV at all costs! Old People Old people are the 2nd most common cause of all road accidents (2nd only to HGV drivers). Max Power magazine had it all worked out when they started their B.U.G.G.E.R ('Ban Unfit Grey-haired Gits from Europe's Roads') a couple of years ago. Old people often say "it wasn't like this in my day" and they are spot on....In their day they really were the only people on the road - apart from the odd horse and cart or penny farthing. Wake up Grandad - you are totally useless at driving! Usually falling into one of the other categories on this page - old people really do set the standards for poor driving. A common characteristic of elderly drivers is "tunnel vision" - this makes them totally unaware of any other road user - even immediately after a near collision and the well deserved 2 minute car horn blast that we award them with afterwards. Look out for cushions and blankets on parcel shelves, 23 year old Ford Cortinas or the smell of wee or TCP- all indicative of a driver who's so old that they're nearly dead! Daewoo Matiz (hereafter referred to as the Daewoo Mattress) This is the new car of choice for people who have no idea whatsoever about cars, driving or style. Originally an April fool's prank in the design office at Daewoo, the Mattress somehow managed to crawl it's way onto the UK market in a variety of tasteless colours (including 'metallic turd brown' and 'grandmother green'). The Daewoo Mattress is one of the cheapest new cars that you can buy - This is great news for people who can't drive - they can sell their second-hand Volvo 340 and have a decent deposit towards a brand new Daewoo! With a top speed of 46 mph, drivers of the Daewoo have the perfect excuse to piss us all off whilst we're stuck behind them at 8.45am every morning on the way to work. Mattress drivers are the least-qualified of all drivers on the road and usually see driving as a challenging and daunting experience. Thankfully they only use their ugly, deformed, slow vehicles to travel about 2 1/2 miles a day - usually whilst taking their young child to playgroup. This lack of exposure possibly accounts for their incompetence behind the wheel as well as their amazingly ridiculous choice of car. Landrover Discovery Drivers Discovery drivers lead the world in showing us exactly how to drive a motor vehicle whilst totally unaware of other road users. We all bear witness to their "mobile phone in one hand, Farmers' Weekly magazine in other" driving style. It is a well known fact that in order to drive a Discovery you must perfect the art of driving your mudplugger whilst talking on your mobile phone. In order to advertise the fact you drive a discovery you must also make sure the conversation you are holding sufficiently removes you from the driving experience to make you swerve all over the road, totally unaware of all other road users. The Landrover Drivers' Handbook advises drivers to use "the vibrations felt when driving over rumble strips" at the side of the road - and "the bumps caused by driving over cats eyes" to trigger natural human reflexes and consequently maintain your course on the road. The Discovery also has a fully integrated mobile phone interface that, over the course of all telephone conversations, gradually decreases the vehicles speed from 60mph down to a pathetically anti-social 30mph. The keen observer will also notice that Discovery owners are the slowest drivers over speed bumps and railway crossings - a charactistic quite unbelievable when you consider that the Discovery was designed for tough off-road terrain! Tractor Drivers We all love farmers. Although they get up every day at 4.30am, they manage without exception to schedule their 15mph journeys on the nations highways to fall exactly in the middle of the daily rush hour. This total disregard to other people is quite understandable when we consider their main method of transport is a Landrover Discovery (see above). The usual procedure is a two player game. One farmer takes his Discovery out on the road to search for a reasonable volume of free-flowing traffic. He then uses his mobile telephone to call the other farmer and advise him exactly where to take his tractor and empty trailer in order to cause maximum disruption to the daily commute. Taxi Drivers These people are the scum of the earth. Whilst charging you a small fortune for a 10 minute journey, they also put the lives of passengers and other road users in immediate danger by inventing their very own version of the Highway Code. In order to maintain the lowest possible operating costs, taxi companies employ 'IQ zero' employees - drop outs from McDonalds or fruit packing companies being amongst the most popular. Because of the increasing cost of running a motor vehicle, taxi firms specially select 'budget' vehicles with no indicators or rear view mirrors - items they consider to be of little use whilst travelling on the public highway. Specially tuned steering racks are often added to make it easy for the taxi to negotiate sudden turns into side roads - or make unannounced U-Turns in the middle of a busy high street. BMW Drivers What happens when you give somebody a car they probably didn't pay for with a big engine, lots of luxury items, soundproofing that the residents of Heathrow would die for and a special mind altering field that allows the driver to feel no remorse whatsoever? Complete detachment from reality, that's what. These cars are a marvel of Teutonic engineering: All models come with unique futuristic features to keep the peasant motorists from ever having to interact with a BMW driver. Added to the standard autopilot features found across all models, optional features now include 'Auto-Tail' TM with programmable bumper distances up to a massive 50mm at 90mph; 'Auto-Weave' TM which can spot gaps in motorway traffic across four lanes only 6 inches bigger than the car and swerve instantly into them without input from the driver; 'Pseudo-Zoom-Mode' (PZM) TM which automatically flashes the 5000w headlights in the rear view mirror of the vehicle in front while approaching at a minimum of twice the legal speed limit. Finally, the most expensive option is the DLB mode, or 'Don't Look Back' TM which allows the driver to cause massive pile-ups without actually being caught up in them. A new feature rumoured for the top-of-the-range 7 Series is something simply known as 'Indicators'. Furthermore, BMW who are not content to rest on their technological successes have now released the X5 so that even certified sociopaths can enjoy a spot of driving. Company Car Drivers These people have no respect whatsoever for their cars or other road users. This is fully evident from their driving. The stereotype of course is the Vauxhall Vectra sale rep who spends his life on the telephone whilst driving eating a sandwich. All the attributes I have described from the BMW driver category also manifest themselves in the company car driver. Indeed, most BMW drivers are indeed company car drivers. The cumulative effect of being a BMW driver in a company car driver is quite horrendous.