Going All The Way 

by Jamie Levy 

What’s the best way to send a Jewish family into a frenzy? Perhaps lock them up 
for an hour with no access to food? No, the best way to send your parents – and 
the whole clan – crackers is to announce that you’ve just got engaged. If 
you’ve just popped the question and are worried about what lies ahead, don’t 
be, for here is TJ’s handy timeline, letting you know what mania you can 
expect – and when. 

Day 1: Boy meets girl. The two are not mutually repulsed. After four weeks of 
game-playing, a relationship ensues. 

Month 8: Boy arranges romantic proposal outside famous monument/rambling old 
park of choice. Girl cries a lot. Couple announce their good news to the 
parents, who also cry a lot – especially the bride’s father, who gave up hope 
of his daughter getting married, and subsequently spent the wedding money on a 
flat in Marbella.

Month 9: A date is set and Operation Wedding is now up and running, with MOB 
(mother of the bride) firmly – scarily – at the helm. Every weekend thus far 
has been spent viewing possible venues, each one having been discounted due to 
ridiculous reasons (the carpet’s not deep enough, the chandeliers are too low…)

Month 11: A venue and synagogue have finally been chosen. Despite the couple’s 
protestations that they wanted something different, the big day will take place 
at a central London shul, followed by dinner and dancing at a hotel round the 
corner. Bride-to-be goes to sleep that night dreaming of nice wedding on the 
beach. This month also sees the engagement party, at which the couple’s single 
friends entertain themselves with a competition to see who can eat the most 
bridge rolls in one minute.

Month 12: Now all focus is on the wedding dress, which is as hard to find as a 
decent singer in the Top Ten. Arguments break out when bride-to-be spots 
bridesmaids dresses which would suit her two best friends perfectly; turns out 
that MOB has promised bridesmaids spots to her sister’s snotty-nosed brats 
(apparently said sister threatened to go on hunger strike otherwise). Mother of 
the groom (MOG) also tries to get in on the act, offering up her nerdy nephew 
as page boy.

Month 13: The happy couple-to-be have realised that they are no longer able to 
talk about anything unrelated to weddings. In a separate incident, MOG takes it 
upon herself to phone bride-to-be and give an impromptu lesson on “how to be a 
good wife”. Bride-to-be buys a book on anger management off the internet.

Month 14: The entire family is on a wedding diet, which doesn’t stop MOG making 
huge desserts to tempt bride-to-be with at now-obligatory Friday night dinners. 
A wedding dress has now been found, as has a band called Turquoise Dreamin’, 
eight musicians who fly over from Paris to play at nearly everybody’s wedding.

Month 15: The family realise that father of the bride (FOB) hasn’t been seen 
for months. It transpires he’s been working 90-hour weeks, trying desperately 
to recoup the ever-mounting costs of the wedding. The rest of the family help 
out by buying lottery tickets. 

Month 16: Bride and groom to be realise there is light at the end of the tunnel 
as they start to plough through travel brochures. A minor hiccup – the groom 
fancies a safari holiday whilst his prospective missus dreams of Mauritius. MOG 
gets wind of this and calls bride-to-be to give a lesson on “compromise” (which 
means do what her precious son wants). Anger management book starts to look 
very dog-eared.

Month 17: Whilst bride-to-be runs around arranging flowers, centrepieces, 
chocolate fondue fountains and other general wedding frippery, groom-to-be 
takes time out to wonder if he really is doing the right thing. After all, one 
woman for the rest of your life, no more going out on the pull… oh look the 
football’s on. MOG and MOB are engaged in covert operations, trying to find 
wedding outfits more glamorous than each other’s. Bride-to-be starts practising 
new signature and panics as she realises she’ll have same name as MOG.

Month 19: Operations Hen and Stag come to fruition. The girls get ratted in a 
Greek restaurant and kidnap two of the waiters; the bride-to-be gets over-
emotional and throws up all over her comedy veil. Meanwhile, the boys head for 
an adventure weekend in Wales, which involves drink, paintballing, drink, 
strippers, drink and drink.

Month 20: After a year of planning, fretting and fussing, the big day arrives. 
FOB “gets something in his eye” as he walks his little daughter down the aisle; 
MOG weeps under the chuppah as she wonders whether this girl will ever be able 
to feed her son properly. Meanwhile, the happy couple forget their wedding-
induced stomach ulcers as they grin blissfully at each other and become husband 
and wife. Please G-d by you?