A man asks his wife what she wants for her birthday and she
replies, "I want a divorce."

He says, "Gee. I wasn't planning on spending that much."

---------

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that 
he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
    "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so
it has to be her."
    "Don't worry so much," advised the doctor.  "These things
happen."
    "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."                                                                     
    "That's unfortunate."
    "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
    "Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

----------

  Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a
  duck"
                                                                               
  "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

  "Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.

  "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a
  beer please." Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's
  doing in the area.

  "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll
  be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a
  pint."

  And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site
  and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on
  its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman
  tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he
  says.

  "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

  Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.

  Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was
  chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

  "Really?" says the duck.

  "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you
  easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

  "That's right."

  "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

  "Yeah!"

  "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

  "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there
  starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

  The duck looked very puzzled.

  "What the fuck would he want with a plasterer?"