Man says to wife “Tell me something that makes me happy and sad at the same time“.
Wife says ”OK, your dick is bigger than your brothers” .

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, 
how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away 
with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your 
thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench 
having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The 
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the 
ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I 
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny 
replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

  

A mounted police officer was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on 
her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" 
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a 
ticket for not having a properly maintained cycle and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a 
reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa 
bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next 
year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

  

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside. I have 
something I must tell you about your baby. What's wrong? the alarmed mother asked. Your 
baby is a hermaphrodite.  What's that? It means your baby has both male and female parts. 
Oh my God! the woman exclaimed. You mean he has a penis and a brain?

  

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of  lettuce. The very young produce 
assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked 
to see the manager. The boy said he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, 
the boy said to his manager, "Some ass-hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man 
standing right behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the 
other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy: 
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people 
who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Canada , sir," the boy replied. 
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up 
there but whores and hockey players." "Really?"
exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada !"  "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play 
for?"

  

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 
20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and 
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off 
this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more 
time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If 
I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to 
his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired 
he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's 
wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he 
hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife 
said,  "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch

  

One clever Irishman : Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me 
feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and 
he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their 
beds. > "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". 
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, 
what's the use of fookin' one?"

  

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." you want." So he tied her up and 
went golfing.

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.   She 
slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.   I won the 
lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God!   What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"   
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he 
had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish 
guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all 
something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” "Thank God," said an elderly nun 
at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

  

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst 
into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're 
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my 
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!   
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! 
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always 
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What 
in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The 
husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

  

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.   
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army 
barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. 
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army 
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

Dear Auntie Rhoda... The following are actual letters that Auntie Rhoda (well-known 
Psychiatrist writing for Parade Magazine - Zimbabwe ) herself admitted she was at a loss 
to answer:

Dear Auntie Rhoda,   I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I 
  confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Auntie Rhoda, I was married to Murwere for three months, and I didn't know he drank 
  until one night he came home sober.

Dear Auntie Rhoda , I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure 
  this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Auntie Rhoda , A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged 
  gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. The two women go 
  everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you 
  think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Auntie Rhoda, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Auntie Rhoda, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill 
  for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, 
  but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Auntie Rhoda,   Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised 
  in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Auntie Rhoda ,   I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Auntie Rhoda,   My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist a visit an hour 
  every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Auntie Rhoda,   Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
  I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Auntie Rhoda,   My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
  mental pause.

Dear Auntie Rhoda, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him 
  to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

  

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he 
notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the 
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet 
how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop 
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The 
man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial 
insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with 
them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the 
sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try 
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, 
bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." He 
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends 
all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. 
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she 
says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn