Cleaning the Fucking Kitchen
For Dummies

Other cleaning tips

Now that you've been introduced to the basic method, you might be interested in some of these more advanced tips.

Pizza and takeaways die

A little-known fact is that eating half of a takeaway kills it. The pizza may have arrived at your door on its own, but once you eat half of it, it's dead and it won't actually go away on its own. It doesn't matter if you hide it somewhere like some sort of demented squirrel, it will stay there. Unless someone throws it away. That means you, if the world is just, which it plainly isn't.

The sofa is not magic

Contrary to popular belief, putting items under the sofa means that they are still there. Just because nobody can see the burger carton, it doesn't mean that it's gone. Usually people master this at the age of fucking two, but it can apparently escape some.

If this is confusing, try thinking about this obvious counter example to the "under the sofa, it's not there" theory. What do you think that smell is? It's your fucking detritus under the sofa, mate. Things that aren't there don't attract flies and start to smell. Got that?

Maggots do not spontaneously appear

In medieval times, there was a theory called spontaneous generation, which was used to explain such creatures as flies, ants and maggots. Certain items such as earth would spontaneously generate these small creatures.

However, we are now in the 21st century and know this to be incorrect. In fact, maggots are the result of flies laying eggs in all that shit you leave behind all over the fucking place, which then hatch. If left to themselves, maggots will actually turn into flies, which will then lay more eggs and generate more maggots. Isn't nature clever?

There are no pixies

Contrary to what your parents might have told you, fairies and pixies and leprechauns do not, in fact, exist. When you come home and you find that the pot of rice that you left sitting, covered up, on the stove for a week - and which is now empty and clean in the washing-up rack - has been cleaned by pixies. It wasn't pixies. It was me you bastard because I couldn't stand it any longer. Hint - look for the person clutching the newly-cleaned carving knife and muttering "I must not kill... I must not kill..." to himself over and over again.

The cupboard does not create clean plates on its own

The actual process is quite simple. Someone goes and buys them. They are used to put food on (I know you can do that bit). Then they are dirty. Then they get washed up, and when dry are replaced in the cupboard. It is mathematically provable that, at any one time, there are a finite number of clean plates in the house.

Bear this in mind next time you look in the cupboard and stand there, a shocked expression on your stupid fucking face, aghast that there are no plates. It might have something to do with the fact they're all in the sink under an inch of grease.

Click here for the final part of the guide!