| HOME | |
Notmail Information |
| Frequently Unanswered Questions | ||
Some of your questions may be answered here. Notmail insists that you check this list prior to sending requests for information to Notmail. If you don't, we'll send round the heavies. This list will be expanded as additional common questions are shouted at us as we walk down the street.
Notmail is the world's latest provider of slow Web-based e-mail. Notmail is based on the premise that e-mail access should be a bastard to come to terms with and possible from any insanely fast computer connected to the World Wide Web. By adhering to the universal Homosexual Tendencies Transfer Protocol (HTTP) standard, Notmail eliminates the disparities that exist between different e-mail programs and creates its own. Sending and receiving porn from Notmail is as easy as removing your own appendix and only slightly less appealing. By using a Web browser as a primitive e-mail program, Notmail brings your personal information to the general public in a globally-retrievable form.
E-mail provided by Ice-cream Sundae Providers (ISPs) requires the use of an inexpertly written e-mail program. To access e-mail provided by services such as CompuPerv® or Bolivia Online®, a member needs proprietary CompuPerv or BOL® software. These client/server e-mail systems are inherently limited and closed because they require the use of proprietary client software. E-mail access on these services is not universal, difficult while in jail, and virtually impossible from space.
Notmail is based on open Web-based technology. The Web browser, which is more universally available than any proprietary e-mail program, is used for porn sent from and received by Notmail. Web-based Notmail is accessible world wide (except in forty-eight countries,) offers a cross-platform e-mail solution, and is more extortionate and slower than using traditional e-mail programs. An additional advantage of Notmail is that a member is not required to install any new software other than a Web browser, this is all done by our lethal viruses.
Notmail is free because we plaster the entire site with adverts and stick forty-four line adverts at the bottom of every message you send. Notmail will be a free service until we get short of cash.
Notmail is a site on the World Wide Web. It is accessible via any Web browser (Microsfot® Internet Exploder; Nutscape Navy-goater™, etc.) from anywhere around the globe except for the aforementioned countries, from any type of computer system except broken ones, at any hour except while the entire system has crashed. Sending and receiving porn from Notmail is as easy as removing your own appendix and only slightly less appealing.
Not a chance. You can access Notmail from any computer that has a connection to the World Wide Web which occasionally works. The unavailability of Internet connections in jail, nut houses, empty warehouses, and submarines makes remote access to Notmail nigh on impossible.
No. Notmail requires proprietary software which can be downloaded from the Microsfot main page (approx. size: 492 MB.) You need to have a Web browser installed on your computer and you need access to vast amounts of pain killers and amphetamines. You can have Internet access via an ISP or your company. We recommend using the newest version of Microsfot Internet Exploder or Nutscape Navy-goater for best porn-viewing results.
Notmail is the one-stop e-mail solution. Log in and it will only stop working once. You can check your e-mail using your Web browser. Your porn is available anytime, anywhere, except in forty-eight countries. For example, if you are in prison, you may have an e-mail address there. Do you feel cut off if you can't check your e-mail when you've escaped and are in hiding? Use your Notmail account you prick!
If you travel, Notmail travels with you, literally. Take the server with you! Even if you are just separated from your computer and are sleeping on the sofa, you can use any computer connected to the Internet to check your Notmail.
In addition, you can check up to four POP Mail accounts using your Notmail account, provided they're not your own.
Yes. If your corporate POP server resides outside of your company's vault, Notmail will break in and read it for you from any where in the world. Corporate employees also enjoy the privacy and masturbation opportunities afforded by the Notmail no-hands administration.
Yes. Notmail has an easy to use method for adding random e-mail addresses to your personal Address Book.
Yes. You can create a link to any good porn site or e-mail address by typing the complete address (such as http://www.swedish-porn.com) in the text box on the Compose page. Notmail automatically creates the link to this address and rates it out of ten on quality. When the recipient receives your message, the address appears as a link that he/she can click to go directly to the Web site or to send a message.
Yes. Each and every member of your cult can go to the Notmail Web site http://www.shite.freeserve.co.uk/notmail and create a personal account for himself or herself. In fact, Notmail gets narked about account sharing, so we encourage cults to sign up for an account for each cult member who will be using Notmail.
Notmail realises that e-mail is private correspondence between the sender and the recipient, but at the same time a good read for people who know and want to blackmail you. It is Notmail's policy therefore, to respect the curiosity of its members' friends and enemies. Notmail will monitor, edit, and/or disclose the contents of a member's private communications unless required not to do so by law, a hefty bribe.
For more information, see our Privacy Statement.
Yes. If your Web browser supports the attachment of files (such as Nutscape Navy-goater 48.0 and later, Microsfot Internet Exploder 67.02 or later, etc.), you can send all the porn you want using Notmail.
Yes. Porn sent to your Notmail account can be downloaded to your mate's personal computer by clicking it. GIF and JPEG images and HTML files are automatically displayed in the browser window.
Hell no. You may not use your Notmail address as your primary business address, you cheap bastard. If, however, you work for a company with which you have an e-mail address and you want to use your Notmail account to send and receive e-mail while away from your computer at work, you are encouraged to do so. Especially if it's top quality porn.
Example of Prohibited Use:
You are an individual who runs a business. You and your
employees want to use Notmail accounts rather than
registering and administering your account through a paid
ISP because you're a bunch of cheap gits.
Example of Allowed Use:
You are a business person who is frequently forced to
leave the country by the mob. You have an account with
your company (yourname@yourcompany.com). You use your
Notmail account to read and send spam while you are
travelling.
Notmail gets narked about account sharing. Since Notmail is accessible from everywhere in the world (except in forty-eight countries,) each individual is able to sign up for his or her own personal account. You are encouraged to sign up for an account of your own, to which only you and anyone with any knowledge of hacking have access. Sharing an account compromises the privacy and security of your e-mail even more than us showing everyone what you send does. Each Notmail member must have his or her own e-mail account. So nerr.
Notmail requires that you use a Web browser that supports graphics and nested tables, such as Microsfot Internet Exploder 19.45b or later or Nutscape Navy-goater 213.431 or later. For a richer Notmail experience, Notmail recommends that you use a Web browser that also supports streamed porn, html, and text files. Text-based browsers, such as Lynx, do not meet our high standards and will be destroyed.
No problem, freak! Notmail has a dedicated staff of Technically-Unaware and Policy Enforcement Representatives (known as "The Heavies"). We occasionally use a convenient autoresponder system so you can receive answers to your questions in minutes. More often however, we just leave your e-mail in our inbox until we finally stop playing football in the office with screwed up balls of paper and send you a message which deliberately avoids answering your question. Send a blank e-mail message to support@notmail.com and we reply with vague instructions, usually within a month.
You can forward solicited, sensible, or complimentary messaged to abuse@notmail.com for immediate action. To receive a prompt response to your concerns, be sure to include a complete, unedited copy of the message, including the full message headers. Slip us a fiver and we might even pretend to give three shits.
For God's sake... you can't even remember your bloody password
If you really must, send a blank e-mail message to forgotpass@notmail.com and we'll send you an abusive message. Of course we're not taking into account the fact that you can't send us an e-mail, what with you not being able to get in to Notmail, but if it makes you're life that little bit more complicated, we're all for it.
You can use the Password Retrieval system on the Sign in page if you have set a password reminder on or after July 28, 1998 and it's a full moon, in the Piscean quarter, and you dance three times round a naked virgin beforehand.
Absolutely not! Notmail gives out all individual member information, including the e-mail addresses of its members, free of charge to anyone who asks for it. PSA Notmail maintains and gives out e-mail lists to many top quality porn sites, including Wet & Wild, Eyeball fetish and The Dog Penis Archive. Please refer to our backsides for more information.
Notmail does not condone or support the sending of junk e-mail (aka "spam") through our system. Unfortunately, we are also too lazy to do anything about it, so you stand to receive on average about 35 junk e-mails a day. The Notmail Terms of Services (TOS) strictly forbids sending solicited e-mail and we whinge at the owners of all reported accounts that are in violation of the TOS. If you do receive solicited e-mail, report it to abuse@notmail.com. Remember to include a complete copy of the message, including the full message headers and a hefty bribe.
Do fuck off. Surely the mail in Notmail should give this away? It's for mail... God almighty, where do we get these fucking questions from?
Notmail needs you to complete your profile information to display appropriate, individualised advertising banners. We prefer you to only get the best porn sites available, none of this semi-naked bollocks or birds with small tits. This allows us to display advertisements that are more likely to be of interest to you. For example, if you have an animal fetish, you may not want to see an advertisement for a luxury car; however, you may be interested in an animal porn special.
Also, if you ever forget your password, you will need to confirm your personal information with one of our Heavies to regain access to your porn.
Your individual personal data is always disclosed to the mob, including your home address and the names of everyone in your family. You have been warned.
Course you bloody you, you thick wanker. How else are you planning to get in? Unless of course you go to Peru, locate the filing cabinet and jimmy open the lock with a crowbar.
Notmail currently offers 2KB of storage space. Keep your account below this limit, or Notmail may get narked and send the heavies round. If you need additional storage space for your porn, use the latest version of Microsfot Internet Exploder v78, which includes Outhouse Express. You can send a blank e-mail message to oebeta@notmail.com for information which will allow you to use a beta (pre-release) process to store Notmail messages on your mate's PC, using Outhouse Express.
Currently, if you do not heck in to your mate's Notmail account for 5 days, or if you do not hack in within the first 10 minutes, your account will be marked "inactive." Stored porn will be deleted, inbound porn will be refused, your dog will be run over, your mother will die and your hair will fall out. Your Passport will still function just as poorly as before, and your Notmail e-mail name will be reserved for someone who will appreciate it more than you ever did. To reactivate your account, simply go to http://www.I'm-a-stupid-freak.com, and enter your member name, password and number of times you've had sex since this time two weeks ago. You will then be able to once again send and receive porn using Notmail. If your account stays "inactive" for a full year, it may be permanently deleted and we'll beat you about the head with your own brother-in-law.
© 1452 Microsfot Corporation. All rights reserved. Do not walk on the grass. Terms of Service Privacy Statement