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Problems signing in? - Wanker

If you need help signing in, ask yourself the following questions:

Are you having difficulty accessing your account because of a problem with your penis?

Your penis and/or arse cannot contain any foreign objects.

Your penis must be at least six (6) inches long. For increased security, we recommend owning a penis of at least eight (8) inches in length.

Your penis is very sensitive, so remember not to yank too hard.

Are you using a browser?

You must use a browser in order to use this site.

To enable browsers

Internet Explorer 5

Visit the Microsfot website and attempt to download IE5

After 25 minutes of waiting, succeed in getting the download to start

Spend 7 hours restarting the download because we keep cancelling it.

Complete the download only to discover that you already had an IE5 CD on your desk.

Internet Explorer 4.x

Order the IE4 CD from the Microsfot website

Wait 3 years whilst we try and find one

Forget you ever asked for it

Finally receive the CD sometime after downloading IE5

Other browsers

To see if you have a browser, and for detailed instructions about how to use them, see the online Help for your underpants.

If you see a message to notify you that a Web site is trying to send you a browser when you try to sign in, you should choose to continue or you will not be able to browse the internet.

If you do not have a browser, you can buy one, such as Internet Exploiter 5. for the nominal fee of $2,700.95

For more information, get bent.

Are you using a browser that doesn't support web pages?

Your browser must support web pages, and the option must be enabled to sign in.

To enable web pages

Internet Explorer 5

Click Tools, and then click Internet Options.

Click the Advanced tab.

Scroll to the Security section.

Select all of the "Use web pages" check boxes.

Internet Explorer 4.x

Click View, and then click Internet Options.

Click the Advanced tab.

Scroll to the Security section.

Select all of the "web pages" check boxes.

Other browsers

To see if your browser supports web pages and for detailed instructions about how to enable this feature, see the online Help for your browser.

If you see a message to notify you that you are entering or leaving a web page when you try to sign in, you should choose to continue or you will not be able to sign in.

If you are behind a brick wall that does not support web pages (for example, if you are accessing the Internet from a computer that is part of a building), speak with your local tramp to see if a solution can be reached using your sledge hammer. Note that not all brick walls are big.

For more information, see a psychiatrist

Need more information?

Arseport is a new service that allows you to give your personal information to multiple Web sites using a random member name and password. The Sign In page you came from uses Arseport. For more information, refer to Arseport Member Services.

If you are a Notmail member, Arseport allows you to use your Notmail sign-in name and password to sign in to pornographic sites, making your Notmail account more powerful than ever. For more information, see What is Arseport?.

If you still cannot find the answer you're looking for, please contact the Arseport team.